I am damned sick and tired of people telling me there’s no such thing as teleportation, and that there must be some other explanation for the time I teleported to the Waffle House. I don’t know what other explanation there could be. I was in one place, and then I was in another place fifty miles away. Just like that.

Yes, I was heavily medicated due to suffering enormous pain from a case of gout. Have you ever had gout, Jim? The joint in my big toe swelled up to roughly the size of one of those honeydew melons. Of course I needed the painkillers. I don’t see what that has to do with anything.

But anyway, I was home when it happened. I was lying on the couch yelling for my wife to bring me my pills quick because I couldn’t get up and I wanted to chop off my entire foot just to make the pain stop. She comes running in and gives me my pills and I’m just laying there waiting for them to kick in. Then they weren’t working so I took some more. A bunch more.

Louise, God bless her, tried to get my mind off it by asking where I’d want to go out to eat when I got better. I didn’t even have to say anything, I just thought the words Waffle House. Next thing I know, I’m in the parking lot at Waffle House and my foot doesn’t hurt.

Yep, teleportation cured my gout. I wonder what else it can cure. Every disease? Some diseases? If my cousin Phil could have teleported when he needed that quadruple bypass, maybe he wouldn’t have needed the surgery.

By the way, his wife said to thank you folks for all the flowers.

And no, this isn’t the first time I’ve been teleported against my will. A few weeks ago, I was home thinking I oughtta head out to the lake to do some fishing. Next thing I know, I’m sitting in my little boat with that little Evinrude I’ve got, I’ve got a case of beer that’s half empty, I’m in the middle of the lake, and I’ve got my line in the water.

Another time I was at the Food Lion picking up some toilet paper because that’s the only place that sells Quilted Northern and God forbid Louise should have to dab herself in her nether regions with anything but Quilted Northern. Anyway, I’m in the toilet paper aisle getting mad thinking about how much the store brand stuff doesn’t cost six bucks for a four-pack, and boom! Next thing I know, I’m twenty miles away in the hospital and I have no idea how I got there or what that beeping is.

When people say there’s no such thing as teleportation, I say oh yeah? Well, the other night I drank an entire bottle of bourbon while sitting around my house watching March Madness, and wham! Suddenly I’m in a ditch out by the airport! Explain that!

So yeah, I’m damned sick and tired of people telling me there’s no such thing as teleportation when I teleport all the time. I teleported here to the office just this morning!

Oh sure, Jim, you saw Louise “dropping me off right out front.” Sure, buddy. Mind if I check your coffee cup for marijuana?

It’s the Lord’s work. That’s all I can figure.

Yeah, I know all the Waffle House employees at every Waffle House in the greater Macon area claim they never saw me. I don’t know why they would say that, of course they saw me. How many customers do they see on an average day? Lots, sure. But how many of those customers materialize out of thin air when their atoms are disassembled in one location and reassembled 50 miles away, in the parking lot, next to a jacked-up F-150 with a Trump flag. How would I know exactly where I rematerialized if it never happened? How many jacked-up F-150s with Trump flags flying on ‘em could there be in Waffle House parking lots in Georgia?

I don’t know why the Waffle House and not the Shoney’s, Jim. Maybe the Lord knew I was hankering for some of their hash browns. I don’t question His plan.

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Metro is preparing for one of its busiest periods of the year as the National Cherry Blossom Festival returns to the region, bringing large crowds and increased ridership across the transit system.

The Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority (WMATA) announced that cherry blossom–themed vehicles and commemorative SmarTrip cards will debut March 20 as the festival kicks off. The annual celebration runs from March 20 through April 12 and marks the start of the spring tourism season across the Washington, D.C. region.

Beginning March 20, Metro will roll out specially wrapped cherry blossom vehicles across its system. One train, three buses, and one MetroAccess vehicle will feature bright blue, pink, fuchsia, and white blossom-themed designs and will remain in service through the end of April. Riders will be able to track when the vehicles are in operation by visiting Metro’s live vehicle tracking page and selecting “special edition.”

Metro is also partnering with the National Cherry Blossom Festival to release a limited-edition SmarTrip card featuring artwork titled “America in Bloom” by artist Tim Yanke. The design includes the Washington Monument, abstract cherry blossoms, and butterflies to celebrate the arrival of spring.

More than 20,000 of the commemorative cards will go on sale March 20 at seven Metro stations: L’Enfant Plaza, Metro Center, Navy Yard–Ballpark, Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, Smithsonian, Union Station, and Washington Dulles International Airport. The cards will be available while supplies last at specially marked fare vending machines.

The National Park Service has predicted peak bloom for the cherry blossoms will occur between March 29 and April 1, which typically brings some of the highest transit usage of the year. Metro officials said the system will operate safe, frequent, and reliable service during the festival and has paused all major track work to help accommodate the expected surge in riders.

Last year, Metro recorded one of its busiest days since the pandemic, with 710,000 rail trips taken on Saturday, March 29 during peak bloom. It was the highest ridership day since 2019 and the second-busiest Saturday in Metro’s history.

Metro will also participate in several official festival events, including the Kite Festival on March 28 on the National Mall, Petalpalooza on April 4 at the Capital Riverfront, and the National Cherry Blossom Festival Parade on April 11 along Constitution Avenue. Metro employees will walk in the parade alongside a wrapped Metrobus and MetroAccess vehicle.

For the Cherry Blossom 10 Miler on April 12, Metro plans to open stations an hour early at 5am to accommodate runners and spectators traveling to the starting line.

To help manage the large crowds expected during the festival, Metro will suspend major track work from March 20 through April 18. Limited late-night single tracking may occur after 10pm on select nights along portions of the Red Line.

Metro officials are encouraging visitors to take transit rather than drive to the Tidal Basin area, where parking can be extremely limited during peak bloom. The Smithsonian station is the closest stop to the blossoms, about a 10-minute walk away, but can become extremely crowded. Riders may want to consider nearby stations such as L’Enfant Plaza or Federal Triangle, which are about a 20-minute walk from the Tidal Basin.